When my peers turned 18, they did things like get a piercing or buy a pack of cigarettes.
When I turned 18, I got a psychological evaluation.
I knew something was wrong with me for a long time. But I didn’t have anyone to help me figure out what that was.
So when I turned 18, the first thing I did was go to the local mental and behavioral health facility and ask for help.
I had called before that and tried to get help. But since I was a minor, they wouldn’t make an appointment without parental consent.
My parents weren’t around. They had both moved on, each with their new family. I was left with my grandma, who was in the early stages of Alzheimer’s and not sane herself.
When I asked the adults around me for help, they dismissed and abandoned me.
While my friends were excited about turning 18 so that they could get a tattoo or new piercing without a parent, I was counting down the days until I could make an appointment for a psychological evaluation.
That day finally came, and I went straight there.
I met with a counselor who did my intake. She asked me a lot of questions about my childhood, my current environment, my symptoms and what brought me in.
I had a notebook where I had been writing down things that made me feel like something was wrong with me. I remember saying some weird things, like “Is it normal to always hear myself thinking?”
I told her how I felt different than everyone else my age. They were excited about social connections and extracurricular activities like normal high school students. I was not. I did not care about much of anything, other than animals and nature.
I did love school, though. I realize now that is because it was my safe space and escape from my home life. It was somewhere that I was supported and thriving.
Outside of school was different, though. I was trapped in a chaotic home life with unsafe adults who traumatized me instead of nurturing me.
It seems so obvious now, looking back. How I was internalizing the effects of the ongoing trauma and thought there was something wrong with me.
But when you are living through a traumatic experience, it is not always obvious. Especially when you grow up in it and that is what you think is normal.
I wish so badly I could hug that younger version of me and tell her that it’s not her fault and she’s not the one who is broken.
After 45 minutes of questions, the counselor told me that I was depressed.
I remember feeling shocked and responding, “But I’m not sad.”
She took out the DSM-IV Handbook (The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) and showed me the section on depression. She explained that it didn’t just mean feeling sad.
It also included feeling empty, hopeless, purposeless and losing interest and pleasure in things I once enjoyed. Decreased energy, lack of clarity, difficulty concentrating and loss of drive. Yeah, that was accurate.
I went home without any solutions, but at least I had a diagnosis.
That is when my research started.
Now I am 39, and over the last 20 years I have learned a lot about mental health and self-help. I went to therapy many different times. I read numerous books. I majored in Psychology and took 4 years of college classes about mental health to try to understand myself. I studied natural healing, spirituality, energy work and mindfulness. And I continued to read more books about mental health, well-being, self-improvement and empowerment.
Unfortunately, I also experienced multiple different chapters of trauma in my life. Which made my mental health issues worse.
I collected a few more diagnoses along the way. Spoiler alert: they are Major depressive disorder, C-PTSD, OCD and ADHD.
On this journey, I went from feeling helpless and lost in despair (many times) to eventually being liberated, tapping into my inner power and becoming my most authentic self. I went from being a victim of my environment to altering my reality to manifest the life I actually deserved.
This was not an easy path. But I learned a lot along the way. Now I am going to share what I have discovered with you, so that you can unlock your power too.
Follow along as I share my experiences with mental health and tell you how I got better. Hopefully, I share information that will help you too.
💜,
Violet